a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
