the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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