Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize