Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
