My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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