So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
