Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
