we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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