I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
