She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
