It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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