Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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