See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Less talking, more tequila
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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