The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
