please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize