something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
