so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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