If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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