Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
