Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
