my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
