hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
