I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
