The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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