My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
