I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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