Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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