we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
