Your dad touched me again.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
