i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
