now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
