I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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