Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
