the condom got lost in my hair
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize