My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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