So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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