Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
