Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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