Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize