So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
