she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
