So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
