Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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