I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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