you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
