I think I won the penis lottery.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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