I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
