So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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