in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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