she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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