An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize