I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Randomize
