i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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