I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
