there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
