Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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