dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
