someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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