I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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