sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
