Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
